ok, so if you have noticed, i haven't been on here for a while. and if i have, it was to look up a picture or something. sorry that i haven't been looking at your guys' stuff and commenting much, but i havent been feelin too good for the past... well for about 6 months actually. it just started to really hit me for the past month and a half. this week i've been really out of it, actually i almost fell asleep at dinner the other day and then was wide awake the same night, not being able to fall asleep until 3:30 am- and no, i did NOT have any sugar or cafiene T_T"""""

anyways, the illness isnt known (we havent gotten it checked), but i believe it's because i've also been depressed on and off during the 6 months. i've been more deressed these passed two to three weeks, than i have for a while now and it's just too much stress. i believe i've been developing one (or more) more mental illnesses, but since my parents think i'm over reacting and that they know every damn thing about me, they think i'm lying and all that shitty shit shit.

Also, my cat's dying (we think). she has lost so much weight that you can (quite litterally) feel all her bones easily. Nothing else seems to be the problem with her except the fur on top of her head thinning and a few bumps on her head and neck. She's a maine coon cat, at the age of 9 or 10 years old. i know she's old, and i know she'd die of old age pretty soon anyways (few years), but its still hitting me pretty hard. A month or two ago we took her to the vet to run basicaly all the tests and it came down to three results, but the worst one is cancer. we didn't have an x-ray done on her since we know it'd be pointless, except to confirm the reason of her dying. It's affecting us so bad, she's a favorite in the family. she never bit anyone and she's the softest thing ever, like a rabbit. She's so affectionate right now and acts like she's almost always starving. Its hurting me so bad that i can't even think about her dying without crying. even now tears are running down my face!! It's unbearable, the pain of knowing that a loved one is dying and you can't do anything to stop it. if she does die, it'll be the first pet/friend death for me.

But, yesterday at dinner my family was talking about her, i felt like my heart was going to explode at the image of her laying motionless, cold and still, never to move or breathe or even see the family every again. but as i tuned in, my dad was saying that we should get some more canned cat food that she loves and can keep down (she's been throwing up the dry food we feed all of them) and see if she gains any weight. Dad said that the specific kind of cat food didn't have any grains in it, while the kind we use does, and that might be the reason of why she lost so much weight! an allergy of grain!! we all hope that that's the reason of her weight loss and that she'll get better.


I've been getting more and more frustrated with the fact that everything seems to go all wrong. my sister can't do shit, she can't even fight her own fights, she tells on me and all that shit. she's a fucking pansy. when she wants to go on the computer but i just got on, she'll go tell mom and dad that i wont let her on the computer and lie that i've been on all fricken day. and what gets me more angry, is that they'll take her side. all. the fucking. time!!!! then she calls me a bitch after i call her a brat (because, come on, she just acted like a total stuck up snob! (she acts and sounds like it most of the time too)) and when i tell on her our parents wont do shit except tell her not to call me that again. then when i dont tell on her 'cause im too tired to hold back calling her a bitch, she goes and tells on me and i get lectured!! what the fuck man?!
then whenever someone critisizes me in my family, it adds to the pain and stress, even if my sister says that she wishes i would just die! (which, shouldnt bother me anymore since she's said that enough times that someone would be immuned to it).

And my parents are on my ass about shitty homework!! they say that i need the fucking education so i can go to a nice college so i can get a well paying job and all that shit. yes i agree with them on that, but whenever i tell them i'm doing fine in school they don't believe me and get on my ass even more. right now my lowest grade is a C. a C and they're on my ass. hell i'm getting better grades than my 17 year old shitty sister but do they aknowledge that? no. no they do not. they say that her classes are harder and more advanced than mine and keep telling em to work harder. what the hell! she didn't do that good when she was in 9th grade!! i'm doing better than her and no one in my family will fucking aknowledge it!! no i am not looking for attention or pity, i'm voicing my thoughts before i start to lose control. To make matters worse, my memory keeps getting shorter and i keep forgetting shit, when my family knows i cant remember anything worth shit sometimes, they keep pestering me about it, and my parents keep looking at the past me. The past me used to lie almost constantly and they wont let go of it. For fuck's sake that was 3 years ago, get over it i've changed so damned much since then. Speaking of which, coming back to the mental part, 3 or 4 years ago i went to a doctor who diagnosed me with ADD and OCD. Since i've changed over the past few years i've been getting even more crazy. I have constant mood swings and have suicidal thoughts basically every week. No i'm not on anything or something, you could say i'm one of those goody-goodies that wont do drugs and go by the rules, but you'd be wrong since i break some rules and hate drugs. Actually, i am on drugs, come to think of it! it's Adderal for my fucking ADD! Whoop-de-fucking-doo

fucking hate being controlled by drugs, and my doctor just upped the Adderal and gave me sleeping pills. which, as you can see, i'm up at about 1:30 in the morning and liking it. which means i DONT FUCKING WANT SLEEPING PILLS DAMN IT!! but, i have to i guess. another thing my parents will be on my ass for. *sighs* urosai. T_T









WEEEEELL......... that's all i can think of right now. anyways, Happy Holidays and HAVE A HAPPY 2010!!! T.T